Am I Jaded?
Yesterday was just another ordinary day, (I was staring at my laptop browsing my usual junks and my mind was wandering aimlessly) until an old friend of mine popped up in my chat window and said hi. She told me she had this sudden necessity to talk to me. I greeted her and asked herto proceed with her account.
"I am feeling pretty low", she said. "I have not the slightest hint of what i truly want to do with my life"
A little prologue: my friend is one of the brainiest girls I have ever known. During my senior high school years, she was my confidant. Now do not get the wrong idea, I am by no means a superbly smart-arse, but it is actually difficult to find someone, especially a girl (now forgive me for being sexist), who has the ability to properly carry on an actual conversation (by "actual", it means intellectual topics which exclude gossiping and shopping and boys). Now, I do not want to be a hypocrite, I am keen on listening to the gossips and going shopping with my girlfriends. And I obviously have not taken the vow of celibacy, so yes I do hang out with boys. However after what seemed to be a perpetual cycle of shallow conversations, I was getting fed up.
In my final year of senior high, I was fortunate enough to meet three other girls who happened to be as skeptical as me (my friend mentioned above is one of them). The three of them are highly intelligent (hands down). They actually read "books" and newspapers (and able to tell the difference between bored and boring). Short story, the four of us became really good friends.
I was astounded, knowing that someone of her league could actually be disoriented about her life. My little chat with her that afternoon led me to ponder about questions which have puzzled my mind for quite a while. Yet the matters left unsolved, because after innumerable attempts to find satisfying answers, I always end up feeling worn-out and cursing myself for coming up with such peculiar questions.
At times, I ask myself the same question over and over again, "what is my true purpose in life?"
When I was a little girl, I had this idea cultivated in mind of what i want to be when i grow up. Everything was so vivid. However, as i am getting older, the lucid image of my dream future starts fading away in an uncanny way.
So, I was just attending schools, then I was attending University.
Graduated last year and hopefully I would find a proper job soon.
and perhaps one day (God knows when) settle down with the right guy.
But is this what life actually is?
Going to school and being the so-called "educated person"? So, when we finally get our ideal job and meet our "significant half" (which I believe is non-existant), then what? Having kids, nurture them, and teach them how to walk? And what is so pleasing about being stuck to the endless 9-5 chores? Are getting the right job and settling down the only things that matter?
Who fabricated the concept of marriage? Monogamy? Are we humans really monogamous creatures? We judge and prejudice those who choose to live by their own rules and standards. Thinking that we are more refined. But are we really?
I do not believe in finding "the one". The one who completes you, the one that makes you whole again blah blah and all those junks. I believe I complete myself. I do not believe in knight in shining armor or prince charming. We are the ones responsible of making ourselves happy. But then again, I am well aware that numerous people will contradict my arguments and conclude that I am just one hell of a bitter bitch. (Damn right I'm bitter)
And who decided that being educated means learning to write in proper grammar and bleed our brains to death?
When my friend asked "How about you? What do you want to do in few years time?"
I did not know where to begin, the thought of pursuing my own dreams suddenly became too overpowering for me. I sure have tons of ambitions. "I want to travel the world, I want to be able to speak multiple languages, etc, etc". But then I have to sober up. When dreams collide with the harsh reality, there is only so much that we can do. I once attempted to ask my parents, what do they actually expect from me. "Get a proper job, become a successful person and settle down". Ah yes, same old same old.
Call me disillusioned, but I frequently feel like i am craving for a higher purpose and a deeper meaning. I do not actually know what i am trying to pursue in life. I constantly find myself thinking: are we supposed to find our true purpose of living behind this chimeric notion of 'life' or am i just a ditzy and loony person for even thinking about these bizzare subjects?
Another afternoon wasted, yet the question remains...
"I am feeling pretty low", she said. "I have not the slightest hint of what i truly want to do with my life"
A little prologue: my friend is one of the brainiest girls I have ever known. During my senior high school years, she was my confidant. Now do not get the wrong idea, I am by no means a superbly smart-arse, but it is actually difficult to find someone, especially a girl (now forgive me for being sexist), who has the ability to properly carry on an actual conversation (by "actual", it means intellectual topics which exclude gossiping and shopping and boys). Now, I do not want to be a hypocrite, I am keen on listening to the gossips and going shopping with my girlfriends. And I obviously have not taken the vow of celibacy, so yes I do hang out with boys. However after what seemed to be a perpetual cycle of shallow conversations, I was getting fed up.
In my final year of senior high, I was fortunate enough to meet three other girls who happened to be as skeptical as me (my friend mentioned above is one of them). The three of them are highly intelligent (hands down). They actually read "books" and newspapers (and able to tell the difference between bored and boring). Short story, the four of us became really good friends.
I was astounded, knowing that someone of her league could actually be disoriented about her life. My little chat with her that afternoon led me to ponder about questions which have puzzled my mind for quite a while. Yet the matters left unsolved, because after innumerable attempts to find satisfying answers, I always end up feeling worn-out and cursing myself for coming up with such peculiar questions.
At times, I ask myself the same question over and over again, "what is my true purpose in life?"
When I was a little girl, I had this idea cultivated in mind of what i want to be when i grow up. Everything was so vivid. However, as i am getting older, the lucid image of my dream future starts fading away in an uncanny way.
So, I was just attending schools, then I was attending University.
Graduated last year and hopefully I would find a proper job soon.
and perhaps one day (God knows when) settle down with the right guy.
But is this what life actually is?
Going to school and being the so-called "educated person"? So, when we finally get our ideal job and meet our "significant half" (which I believe is non-existant), then what? Having kids, nurture them, and teach them how to walk? And what is so pleasing about being stuck to the endless 9-5 chores? Are getting the right job and settling down the only things that matter?
Who fabricated the concept of marriage? Monogamy? Are we humans really monogamous creatures? We judge and prejudice those who choose to live by their own rules and standards. Thinking that we are more refined. But are we really?
I do not believe in finding "the one". The one who completes you, the one that makes you whole again blah blah and all those junks. I believe I complete myself. I do not believe in knight in shining armor or prince charming. We are the ones responsible of making ourselves happy. But then again, I am well aware that numerous people will contradict my arguments and conclude that I am just one hell of a bitter bitch. (Damn right I'm bitter)
And who decided that being educated means learning to write in proper grammar and bleed our brains to death?
When my friend asked "How about you? What do you want to do in few years time?"
I did not know where to begin, the thought of pursuing my own dreams suddenly became too overpowering for me. I sure have tons of ambitions. "I want to travel the world, I want to be able to speak multiple languages, etc, etc". But then I have to sober up. When dreams collide with the harsh reality, there is only so much that we can do. I once attempted to ask my parents, what do they actually expect from me. "Get a proper job, become a successful person and settle down". Ah yes, same old same old.
Call me disillusioned, but I frequently feel like i am craving for a higher purpose and a deeper meaning. I do not actually know what i am trying to pursue in life. I constantly find myself thinking: are we supposed to find our true purpose of living behind this chimeric notion of 'life' or am i just a ditzy and loony person for even thinking about these bizzare subjects?
Another afternoon wasted, yet the question remains...
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